Home Improvement of DOOM!
by xxGuardianWolfxx
Summary: GIR gets an idea after watching the UHI channel. What's going to happen when Zim's base is completely unprotected, Dib tries to break in, people are trying to uselessly improve stuff, and hobos are giving advice? My first IZ fanfic.
1. The Useless Home Improvement Channel

A/N Hello! This is my first IZ fanfic. Hope you enjoy it (or at least don't die from it).

Disclaimer: I don't own IZ but you know that don't you?

Chapter One: The Useless Home Improvement Channel

"Oh my gosh! I love it!" squealed a blonde human female who was grinning insanely and pointing at something.

"Me too," squeaking a certain robot who was currently watching the UHI channel.

"GIR! Turn that down. It's hard enough concentrating on improving the computer's obedience chip without hearing those filthy pig-smellies squealing like a bunch of rabid squirrels." Zim was bending over a small chip while sitting at the table in the kitchen. He wished he could be underground in his labs but the computer had kicked him out. He had just managed to find the computer's obedience chip and a few tools before the computer tried obliterating him with lasers. This wasn't the first time the computer had acted up but it had never been this bad. Zim cursed himself for not thinking of fixing up the computer's obedience chip before.

"But…but the house is so pretty, "GIR sniffed happily, a few tears shining in his cyan eyes. "And the happy lady is so happy." Nonetheless, he turned the volume down a bit as the human started screaming in delight as she saw the rest of her transformed home.

Zim put his tools down and sighed in irritation. He rubbed his head; he needed a break. He walked over to the living room to sit on the couch beside his faithful but useless robot.

"What are you watching anyway? This doesn't look like any of the shows you normally watch," he commented curiously.

"It's the Useless Home Improvement channel. They take ugly old homes and make thems all purdy n' stuff. The Scary Monkey Show isn't on right now so I'ma watchin' this." Though the truth was, GIR was brought into watching it because it had a lot of happy bright colors that reminded him of his usual cartoons. But not even he knew that.

"Hmm," Zim said, uninterested. He had no need to watch such pitiful shows that the hyumans made in order to satisfy their simple short attention spans. He needed to fix whatever was wrong with his computer and watching human TV would not bring him any closer. He was willing to bet his squiddely spooch that the large headed Dib-stink was behind his computer's malfunction. Since his computer was forced to go offline, his security system was also offline, making him vulnerable to any human attack. But there was no doubt in his mind that he would be able to fix it. After all, he was the amazing Irken Invader Zim! But once and a while even his awesome brain meats required a few hours of rest if he had a challenging (but not impossible) task.

"GIR! I'll be walking around in the filthy Earth city to clear my head so I need you to watch over the base until I get back. Understand?" He knew what was coming but he couldn't help but ask.

"Ooooooh. Da cheese gonna eat the piggy. I liiike cheese. Piggy cheese!" The dysfunctional robot proceeded to jump off from the couch and run around in circles screaming "Piggy cheese!"

Zim let out a tired sigh. He wondered why he never got rid of the robot. Putting on his old man disguise and trudged out the door, thinking of complicated ways he could send GIR off somewhere. Maybe to Africa…Yes, that would be good. Of course, GIR would probably make friends with the bees over there…

GIR, on the other hand, was thinking about exploding dancing weenies. A colorful advertisement with sickly off-key jolly music on the TV caught his attention and he sat back on the couch calmly.

A high-pitched, slightly crazed man's voice spoke. "Did you like the useless improving we did on the last episode? Huh? WELL DID YA?!" he screeched. Clearing his throat, he started again in a calm cheery tone, "Well that's just GREAT! Is your house pathetic and ugly?"

"Yep," GIR responded proudly.

"Well, what if we re-did your house to make it nice and purdy? Just call this number and a team will rip house inside out until it's not ugly…uhh…no more! Woo! How would you like that?"

Vivid yellow numbers flashed on the screen. GIR sat there, slowly processing what was just said. Suddenly he jumped up. "I got's me an idea. Master's gonna looove me for making his base nice n' purdy!"

He grabbed the phone and miraculously dialed in all the numbers correctly the first time. It was a new record. Everybody celebrate! Woo-hoo!

Someone picked up after the third ring. A bored female voice sounded in GIR's phone. "Hmm? Yeah this is the UHI phone line. We guarantee your satisfaction or disappointment. Whichever you prefer."

Ummm…yeah. I want to make my master's base purdy."

"Uhh…Please stand by while I search for an opening." A few minutes filled with elevator-like music goodness passed. "Sorry. WE are booked for the next ten years—No! Wait! An opening has just been—well—opened!" The telephone person's voice swelled with excitement. "Yes, we can uselessly improve your home tomorrow!"

"Yay! I can't wait. Master's gonna be so happy that he'll explode! I like explody happiness!"

"So do I, kid. Now leave me alone! I have some important sleep—I mean business to catch up on." The phone clicked and a beeping filled GIR's phone. He didn't care though. He just kept shouting into the receiver about happy exploding bunnies.

A/N Hope you all didn't die. Please review nicely.


	2. Don't Worry Earth!

A/N Thanks for the wonderful reviews! I feel wuvved. This chapter isn't as chaotic as the first since Dib usually makes slightly more sense than the other characters.

Don't Worry Earth!

The doorbell rang. He tapped his foot impatiently. A few seconds later, a little green dog opened the door with his nub hands. It still evaded the boy as to how the robot managed to do anything with nubs for appendages.

"Yeees?" A robotic voice emanated from within the doggy costume. "Oh it's you big headed monkey."

"But I'm not a—Oh forget it. Anyway, I need you to put another one of my spy cams in the kitchen. The other one seemed… to have come to a tragic end because of some acidic waffle batter…" His voice was thoughtful.

"Aww. That was just the corn and wires acting up. I likes my waffles sparkly." As if in response to what GIR just said, a few electric bolts swirled around his body. He giggled insanely. "It still tickles my insides!"

"O-kay then," Dib said hesitantly. He shook his head to clear it of the stupidity that was coming from the robot's mouth. "Look, just put this in the kitchen where they usually go," he finished impatiently, shoving the spy cam to GIR.

"Okee-dokee! Bye big-headed monkey!" With that, GIR slammed the door in Dib's face.

"Hey I am NOT a monkey! And my head IS NOT BIG!!" he yelled angrily. He sighed and trudged back to his home. He had been back and forth from Zim's freakish base the alien called his normal human home to his own house so often that his feet instinctively knew where to go, so he just let his mind wander through different ideas to expose Zim. _Hey, _he thought, _for once I am not talking out loud to myself. That's something you don't- not -hear every day._ The thought momentarily confused him, but he shrugged it off. As he got closer to his house, he felt the usual excitement that his spying and plans brought flutter in his chest. _This time for sure._ He entered his house and greeted his sister as usual.

"Hey Gaz. I'm back from placing another camera in Zim's base. I'll figure out what he's up to this time for sure!" he announced triumphantly. _As long as it doesn't get short-circuited in waffle batter again_. At least he made sure his record drives were fixed before leaving the house so the chances of a repeat of him having to sit through hours of Zim eating waffles were minimal. He shuddered at the results that had wrought. He had lost the Swollen Eyeball members' trust for two months. Only when he had solid evidence of a chupacabra sniffing through his trash were they finally able to believe he was still serious. _What was that chupacabra doing sniffing in his trashcan anyway? As far as he knew, his family never ate goat._

Gaz snapped him out of his thoughts. She looked up from her Game Slave 2 and at her brother for a moment. "Be quiet before I thrust you in a nightmare world so scary, your head will finally explode." She spoke in her usual low threatening tone that she used whenever anyone dared annoy her.

However, Dib was not listening. He was already racing up the stairs to his room and starting to mutter to himself again.

Gaz let out a growl (her equivalent to a sigh) and mentally noted to tear out his vocal cords one day. Then she wouldn't be filled with such rage all the time. She snarled as she lost another life. Dib would pay for distracting her.

The door to Dib's room burst open and he peered at the darkened and cluttered space. You could hardly see the bed because a swarm of papers of his latest plans were scattered as though whatever they used to be sitting on exploded. Which it had…but you will never know that.

Dib jumped into his chair and rolled directly in front of his computer, an action that long ago became second nature to him. He quickly turned on his computer and commanded, "Establish link with remote camera and show video feed."

The computerized voice came almost immediately. "Link established. Incoming video." A window popped up and filled most of the screen. Dib leaned over his chair and set his drives to record.

A few minutes of nothing on the screen passed and Dib was about to leave and watch the recordings when he had nothing better to do when Zim's voice came through. That captured Dib's complete attention.

"Well GIR, I am back from my walk around this filthy Earth place. I am ready to continue my **amazing **repairs on my computer."

Dib heard a few squeaks that must have been GIR's reply but he couldn't make out what the robot said. Not like it would have been useful to hear anyway. He leaned in closer, as Zim's voice grew louder. Anticipation was prancing around in his insides like the dancing weenies GIR once imagined.

"I need you to keep on high alert defensive mode until these repairs are finished. You are the only security left in my entire base. Even the robo parents are offline." The Irken was now standing next to the table and looking somewhere off screen. An annoyed look crossed his face momentarily and a few faint snores were heard, obviously from GIR, who became bored with listening to his master.

"His entire base is offline? That's incredible! That little bug I sent him did so much more than I thought it would. I was just expecting it to make insults randomly pop up but this is even better! Tomorrow, I'll break into his base and expose him for the horrible alien scum that he is. It will be too easy. And once he is exposed, I'll finally be able to stop saying my plans out loud.

"Tomorrow things are going to change—so many things. Don't worry Earth! Any death rays of doom or huge armadas coming to destroy you will no longer be a threat. Not while I'm around." By this point, the young boy was standing triumphantly on his chair. "I will stop all menaces from doing this planet harm whether they be aliens or nuclear moles—NYAGH!" During his premature victory speech, he attempted to take a step forward (which was supposed to be dramatic) but it ended in him dramatically tipping forward off the chair and banging his head on the floor. He groaned in pain and rolled over so he was not eating carpet.

His eyes widened in surprise when he saw that Gaz was standing above him, giving him one of her nastiest death glares.

"I thought I warned you NOT TO ANNOY ME!" she screeched. She was furious enough to have one of her eyes fully open and twitching.

Meanwhile, Professor Membrane was down in his home lab experimenting on how to make miniature lama-gerbils (his own creations) act out a scene from one of Shakespeare's plays. He hesitated for a moment when he heard sounds coming from a couple floors above him. Gaz was yelling and Dib was screaming for help.

Professor Membrane chuckled. It was nice to hear the kids having so much fun.

A/N Things are about to get REALLY chaotic. Yay! Chaos is fun to write but tricky like trying to cover a giraffe in honey. Please review! I've decided I really like those little things.


	3. The Crew Arrives AKA Prelude to Choas

A/N Hey guys. Sorry it took so long for me to update. Well at least this one is a longer chapter. Please enjoy the following chapter that resulted from way too much boredom! Yay!

* * *

The Crew Arrives

(A.K.A Prelude to Chaos)

"GIR! I thought I told you to use Irken ingredients!" It was very early in the morning, by normal lazy human standards, and Zim was already criticizing his robot for his ever-growing stupidity (yet adorableness. I mean come on, isn't he just so cute when he is a complete idiot?). Oh, but Zim was not done with his incredible rant yet. "The **one** time I actually allow you to make food for me to actually eat and you serve me this disgusting hyuman ffffilth?!" He paused and chewed gingerly on a piece. "Ugh, what did you put in these pancakes? I think I'm gonna be—" The next few minutes, instead of being elaborately described (which sounds like fun) shall be put simply as "passed by with much lost food content and bits of pancake."

GIR stood watching his master retch his guts out while blinking impassively. Even so, he could not help but feel impressed. It was hard to get a response from his master, but this—this had to be the best response yet. Maybe he would start using the pancake recipe he used today in all the other horrendous dishes he made. He giggled suddenly. _Horrendous. _What a nice word.

When Zim finally finished cleansing his superior Irken body of the dire stuff the hyumans actually called food, he gave GIR a nice little death glare. The robot just let out a smile and a squeak.

"W-what on Irk did you put in my breakfast?" he finally managed to gasp out. As much as he had spilt the food contents of his squiddely spooch, not once had the session of vomiting been so long or quite as awful.

"They's made out of beans left over from my burrito about…umm…a week ago maybe. Then they gots some bacon…and some deodorant too, me thinks. Just the tastiest stuff." GIR replied cheerily.

"Deodorant…isn't tasty GIR. One day I will take you apart and find out just what the heck is causing your astonishing moronity." He spoke calmly and seemed lost in thought, thinking of the possibilities that might be making his robot so less efficient.

"Is _moronity_ a word master?" GIR asked curiously.

"SILENCE! Of course it is. I used it, didn't I?"

"Umm…urgh…I don't think it is though," the SIR unit's voice was heavy with hard thought. One eye was squinted as he looked up at the Irken.

Zim, however, was paying attention to the mess that he had created. He was sickened at the sight of the nachos he ate last week. Such perfectly good nachos—wasted. "Pick up the mess you made GIR! It's your fault those nachos are on the floor. GIR?" Zim looked around, wondering where his companion had taken off to. "GIR! What are you doing?!" he yelled in surprise when he saw his _friend _(which is probably a stretch) rolling around in the waste. Zim covered his mouth, trying to hold down what little food he had left. GIR never ceased to disgust him.

"Naaaachooooooooos! Them full of nachoness! Wooo-hooo!" He continued rolling around on the floor and, for some reason we will never know, the mess was gradually absorbed through the robot's little body.

When the kitchen was back to its "normal" state, (because Zim's house is perfectly normal you pathetic worm monkeys) GIR let out a strange sound of content as he jumped up and walked into the living room perfectly calm and unaware that moments before he had been rolling around half-digested food and Irken squiddely spooch juices.

Zim shook his head and followed the little defective bot who was now slouching on the couch and flipping through the channels. It was too early for Scary Monkey Show but there was a chance the kiddy cartoons were showing this early. If you were ever to ask GIR which of the two shows he enjoyed more, all you would get in response is his head exploding. GIR was not good at choosing favorites.

Anyways, flipping through a few more channels, all he found on was the UHI channel. Currently showing was a show on how to repair a house with just a few dollars.

"Watch as we work with our lowest budget ever! Hey, are they watching?" The announcer looked off screen for a moment. "NOOOOO! Why aren't they watching? WHYYYY?! So for the two people who **are **watching this, be prepared for our most cheap and horrible—" ZZZZT! The man was enveloped in blue sparks for a few seconds. He lay on the floor for a minute or so then jumped up, suddenly energized. Once he was fully recovered, he corrected himself and continued –our most cheap and _wonderful _improvement yet." He cringed at having to say such a lie, but everyone else thought he was just afraid he would be electrocuted again. "Please don't leave during the commercials. My life depends on it." He glanced fearfully sideways where Zim swore he saw something glint maliciously almost off screen. Right before the commercials came on, the announcer muttered, "I hate this job—NO! Wait I—"

"Heya kids! There's a new pizza coming out this Friday that tastes just like pig to celebrate the many-eth day that that one girl was cured…" Bloaty's voice droned on along with the squeaky noises that no one dared to find out where they originated.

"Really GIR, how can you stand to watch this pure stupidity? This is a new low even for you."

GIR's eyes expanded. "Wow! Thanks master!"

"For what?" Zim asked hesitantly. To think that the small defective robot was "advanced" enough to throw off even _his _amazing brain. Of course, by this point, Zim was thinking the Tallest had a different definition of the word "advanced". Maybe they were using a Vortian word that _sounded _like advanced but really meant stupid. Of course, the Irken still had not figured out that the Tallest were quite capable of using sarcasm and that they used it often, especially when talking to the gullible Irken.

"For being so full of almonds, silly. What else?" GIR squeaked happily.

Zim, after having to put up with months of stupidity not just from GIR but the pathetic hyumans as well, knew it was better to ignore it because more questioning would just lead to some far-off story about lonely hippos who befriended taquitos named Bob. Instead, the little green alien dude cleared the table and continued the previous day's work on his computer's chip. Maybe he would download his personality into the computer when he was finished. Then the computer would realize how amazing he was. For some reason, his computer failed to realize his ingenious and instead decided to contradict its brilliant master. Perhaps it was just jealous.

"Ooof!" he suddenly cried out. He yelled as agony exploded in his guts. "What the--?" he whispered in pain as he looked down. Sticking out of his shirt were three abnormally huge nails that penetrated straight into…his squiddely spooch! Three little trails of green blood started to stain his Invader uniform. His PAK said what he was dreading to hear. "Holy Irk! Horrendous damage! Must…repair! AAAAH!" Zim always did wonder why his PAK acted so strangely at times. Immediately after the PAK noted the damage and had its panic attack, it calmed down. "Commencing emergency shut down for repairs."

The last thing Zim saw was a frightened-looking GIR peering out from the living room. He was holding up a nail gun. He looked it slowly, as though just realizing it was there and said "Ooops!" Then he began to giggle his insane giggle as he got distracted by shooting other things around the house shouting, "I'm making holey stuff! Woooo-hoooo!"

"G-GIR…" Zim whispered just before his PAK shut off his consciousness. That demented little robot slave would pay for setting back his plans for who knew how many hours.

* * *

Mwahahaha! Even though you thought this chapter was over it is not! Clever aren't I? (Don't answer that. Please.) Now we skip over to Dib, who was…well, I don't know. He was doin' stuff, I guess. "Preparing", if I _must_ be so specific.

"Yes! My preparations are nearly complete! Soon everyone will know the truth and stop mocking me…and so forth," he said, once again unaware that he was saying everything aloud. Poor him, he'll never learn.

"Shut up," Gaz said slowly. He had been going on and on since last night. Not even her security toys could shut him up for more than five minutes. Gaz shook her head almost sadly, for Dib only got this excited before he put his most disastrous plans in action. Maybe this time he would die, or at least stay in the hospital for a week. That would be just great.

"Invisible cloak thing—check. Dad's extra-sensitive, heat-sensing, mongoose-catching binoculars—check. Notepad—check. Pears and spaghetti squash—check(1)…"

Half an hour passed and Dib was still going on with his checklist. It never occurred to him that making things complicated did not necessarily make them better or more flawless.

"Back up camera—check." At least he was learning. "Okay, I think that's it. Well Gaz, today is the day. I will succeed! I will capture Zim! I—Ooof!" A plate full of Explody Bean leftovers hit the young boy in the face."

"I know today's _another_ one of your special Saturdays. Hey, how 'bout you make this day even more "special" by shutting up and getting out of the house so I can play my Game Slave in peace. I know that would make _my _day special," she suggested icily.

"Actually, that's not a bad idea. I think I'll go now. See ya Gaz!" He beamed at her as he shut the door.

"Pffft. Finally," she said. She continued her button mashing. The vampire piggys were going down.

* * *

Dib was in his usual spot in the bushes, taking notes on what might be the best entrance strategy. He didn't really need one, seeing as Zim's defenses were down, but he couldn't afford to take any chances after he had gone through so many defeats and non-victories. Yes, there is a difference.

All of this was racing through his head when he saw a van pull up in front of his nemesis's house. "What the--?" He noticed the van had in yellow letters "UHI" and in brown letters underneath, "Let us uselessly improve your pathetic home, you disgusting person!"

"Why would Zim invite the UHI crew to his house? His base is sure to be discovered. And more importantly, who the heck puts brown together with yellow?" Questions raced through his mind and out his mind, as was normal procedure when he was confused. When his brain settled down some, he said, "Oh man. This has got to be good," and became even more alert than he was previously. All he had to do now was wait for the right time to bust into Zim's base.

* * *

GIR, presently, had forgotten all about his injured master (big surprise, yes?) and was happy to finally watch the Scary Monkey Show. He heard a vehicle screech to a halt. He gasped all dramatic-like, ran over to his master, and started to poke him unmercifully. "Master! Master!" It took quite a few seconds, but finally Zim's PAK reactivated the unconscious shell.

Zim looked around groggily, his eyes slowly coming out of their dull state. GIR saw that his master was finally awake (Sheesh! What was wrong with his master? Didn't he get enough sleep by now?) and whispered, "They is _here_," in a spooky sort of way.

* * *

A middle-aged man with blonde hair took a step out of the van to get a better look at his latest "project". His jaw dropped as he saw the strange little green house. "Crikey," he said unbelievingly. "This is gonna be one tough sucker to beat."

* * *

A/N So how was it? It didn't turn out as great as it should have, in my opinion. I haven't really planned too much of this out so any suggestions are welcome. Thanks for reading this so far and please review.

(1) These are really real, I mean for real. Awesome right?


	4. Jimothy and the SSPNGK

A/N I'm BACK! After recovering from an obsession of Lost Odyssey (go play that game. Eez awsum) and soooo much freakin' homework I have finally got around to update. So thank you once again for the reviews! Now shall we precede and let the evil stupidity gnaw on your tormented brains? Mwahahahaha.

Disclaimer: Just thought I'd throw this hopeless think in again. As much as I wish, Invader Zim was not created from my brain meats but rather by the awesomeness that is Jhonen Vasquez. *sigh* I'm depressed now. Why couldn't I create it?

* * *

**Chapter Four: Jimothy and the SSPNGK**

"What are you talking about GIR? Who's here? Who dares to tread upon my base with their feets of smelliness?!"

The simple robot pointed out the window where a few human worms were looking at Zim's house with a mixture of awe, disbelief, and disgust.

"What are they gawking at my house for? I understand they must be gaping at its flawlessness, but they seem to be looking at it very strangely. I sense fishys in the air."

GIR, who wasn't ignoring Zim _entirely_, gasped. "Fishes? Where? Where are the friendly little fishes? Is they flying invisibly? Invisible ones are the tastiest."

"No," Zim replied quietly. "These are not normal fishys. I'm fairly certain _you_ have something to do with those hyumans outside. They had better not be more of your fffriends, GIR. So what did you this time?"

"Oh nothin'. I jus' invited the funny dude who acts like houses are jungles that need to be tamed. Nothin' baaad or anything. Right?"

"What?! The house is turning into a jungle?! This is serious!" Zim started panicking.

"That's not what I said. I says the jungle dude is gonna make our house tame and purdy like a goose!" GIR squealed. "Then the banana's gonna have goblin babies and they's gonna be my friends an' we gonna live happily ever after in a bathtub."

Zim blinked a few times and stayed silent while he tried to decipher GIR's rant. "NOOO! You may have well _doomed_ us you stupid scrap of metal! DOOMED! They are going to uncover my base's _ingenious_ ruse."

"Yaaay!" Then GIR happy face fell a little. "Wait, no. That's bad ain't it mastah?"

Zim slapped his hand to his forehead. "So…The enemy is about to infiltrate and expose our base. My ingenious brain shall think of a solution." He stayed quiet for a while, staring at nothing in particular. "Hmmm…" He stuck his lip in thought. "Mmmyep. Anytime now I will think of a plan." More silence. "Aah, forget it. Computer! Intruder alert!"

"Take care of it yourself! I'm sleeping right now. If I don't have my nappy time I get cranky," the computerized voice of the computer warned. "Have fun," it added sarcastically. Then it muttered under its breath, "These _Irkens_. Bunch of lazy gasquiggleysporches. Just because they _made_ us, they think they can tell us what to do. GAWSH!"

Luckily, Zim was too busy thinking of a plan to hear. "Solutions! I need solutions! _SOLUTIONS!_"

"Run away and live with the goblin babies!" GIR suggested.

"That's it! We'll blow this place up," Zim cried triumphantly. His face fell after he thought about it. "Wait a minute. That would solve nothing, except maybe blowing up a few hyumans. GIR, keep your ideas to yourself. Blowing the base up…" Zim shook his head.

GIR pouted then cheered up suddenly and said "Okay! Do I get to go play with the goblin babies and bananas now?"

"Yeah, yeah. Sure, whatever. Just DON'T interfere with the plan that I will surely come up with in no time at all—"The doorbell rang. "NOOO! The infiltration is about to begin. Ummm. Hey computer! If the hyumans stampede into our house like a bunch of treacherous monkeys, they won't let you take your nappy time. Whaddaya say to _that_?" Zim hurriedly said in a last attempt to defend everything he had worked for.

"I _say,_ Zim, that I don't care right now."

"But—"

"I'MNOTLISTENING! I'MNOTLISTENING! I'MNOTLISTENING!" The computer was yelling full blast in a very bratty way. Zim scrambled around for his disguise. He found it and quickly slipped his hairpiece on. At least now, the computer's horrible noise was muffled slightly with Zim's antennae being snuggly covered. He threw GIR his doggy suit. GIR stopped dancing to the computer's yell and slipped it on. He resumed dancing.

The doorbell rang again. It could barely be heard over the roars of the computer. Zim sighed and admitted defeat—if only for the moment. Once he was away from the computer, he would be able to concentrate again. He trudged over to the door and opened it.

"Welcome to my perfectly normal home where I live a perfectly normal hyuman life. My, uh, waffle is very sick. Leave or I will unleash the badger on you." Zim gave a strained smile. _There's no way they can refuse my request. Hyumans leaves if waffles are sick. I am positive of that._

"Crikey, it really is? I wish your poor waffle the best of luck. Stay strong." The strange human truly looked sympathetic. "Nothing worse than a sick waffle," he muttered in a sad voice.

"Huh? Hmm…"Zim had a quick idea of making humans bow down before him if he poisoned all the waffles with a poison that only he had the antidote to. Maybe he would put his bologna plan back into action, except this time waffles would taste his meaty revenge. He stored the thought in his memory storage part of his PAK. _Soon, hyumans will be begging me to heal their _precious_ waffles._

"Why are here anyway?" Zim questioned.

"Well, we were planning to tackle that there house number…mmm…777, I believe, but they canceled at the last minute. Which is fine with me. That house gave me the willies. Then we received a call from this very house asking to make this place spick and span. From the looks of it, this bugger really needs it." He gave an extra friendly smile.

Zim knew enough about the different languages and accents the pathetic hyumans had, to know that this strange hyuman had an "Ostraeliun" accent or something. He never understood why the stupid pig-smellies couldn't share one language. They would not be able to come together because of all their differences. All the easier to destroy them—with bologna poisoned waffles of course. "I'm getting distracted by these wonderful destructive thoughts again," he muttered to himself.

"So now that _we _are here, _you _need to go." The man leaned closer and whispered, "It's supposed to be a surprise when you come back, ya know mate?"

"WHAT? You _dare_ throw _me _out of my ZIM house that belongs to ZIM!" he screamed. "Just who do you think you are?"

(WARNING: Horrible song sung to the tune of Jingle Bells for some reason is coming in 3…2…1…)

"Weeeelll,

We are, we are,

The team from U-H-I!

We come to help you shelter,

Even though it's useless-YEAH!"

The man, as well as the rest of the crew, continued to sing the horribly offbeat, off-key song that was worse than the computer's ranting. At least the computer went into nappy mode.

Twenty verses later (which I am too lazy to write. Or maybe too kind to not let you suffer at the hands of my AMAZING song writing skills) the song ended after a dramatic uber horrifying crescendo. Zim, who was lying on the floor dying, slowly got up and wiped away any drool that dribbling out of his mouth. He snapped back to reality when the man grabbed his hand in a limp fish handshake. Zim shuddered. He _hated_ those. There was absolutely _nothing_ right with this dirt being.

"I'm Jimothy Thaliun by the way. I guess that's what you were asking all along. Well, I guess that whole song was kind of useless. Huh. Maybe we should sing it again now that you know who I am."

"ENOUGH!" Zim screamed. He couldn't take anymore. First, these filthy meat creatures come, then they demand he be removed from his own base, then they use some sort of torture method in the form of singing to force him out of his house. The nerve of those stink creatures!

"Alrighty then. You need to leave now. Hey, don't you just love how my name rhymes? _Jimothy Thaliun._ Beautiful poetry right there for you.

"And if I refuse?" Zim asked quietly.

Right when he asked that, little tubes floated down from the sky and right into the crew's outstretched palm.

"Hey, how'd you do that?"

"Oh, you know, mastah," GIR replied.

"No, I don't GIR. That's why I was asking them," Zim snapped.

"The _magical_ taco kabobs live in the sky. See, up there?" The robot pointed. "And whenever someone asks them, they will rain those little tubes down. But you gotta ask them _real_ nicely or you'll asplode."

"He is right you know," Jimothy said matter-of-factly. Then he put the little tube to his mouth, took a deep breath, and blew.

Zim felt something poke through his skin and swayed after a few seconds. He clutched at his stomach as his squiddely spooch worked twice as hard as it frantically tried to rid the Irken's body of the alien toxin.

When Zim continued to stand, Jimothy gave a startled yelp and called out to the other crewmembers, "This one seems to have some sort of immunity to the taco kabobs' tranquilizer. Hit full force; we will not let him prevail! Go men go! And be sure to capture this wicked footage!"

The crew stopped what they were doing and stared at him. Finally, one of them spoke. "But Jim, we're all women except for you and Dude Man over there. But he doesn't really count—does he?" She looked over in Dude Man's direction with a look of disgust and subtle pity. Dud Man was frolicking (I love that word. Heehee…_frolicking_) around the yard carrying one Zim's gnomes and spinning around occasionally. A look of pure joy and bliss was plastered on his face.

"Yeah," another woman complained. "And it looks like he's high again. 'High off life' like he always says," she scoffed. "Sure."

"That's not important right now mates. Get 'im!"

The crew rushed forward toward the confused Irken Invader with the deadly force of that giraffe covered in honey I mentioned earlier. Except, if found out it didn't really like being all sticky. _Very _deadly force…So they rushed over to him, ready to beat the living boogers out of him and—they stopped right in front of him.

"YEAH—Wait! Why did you stop? You were just about to pummel that normal green boy with the force of an irritated honey-covered giraffe!"

"That's just it sir. We can't exactly beat up kids—especially one so normal and green," the cameraperson said. The SSPNGK would be after us faster than you could say their full name three times fast."

"Drat! I completely forgot about the SSPNGK! Just—I don't know—just pick him up and put him gently on the sidewalk outside," Jimothy said, obviously getting frustrated.

"What the—HEY! No one picks up the almighty ZIM! Put me down, you disgusting gerbil people!"

Zim was placed very delicately on the sidewalk and, before he could react, all the crewmembers rushed inside his base as if they were about to be attacked and locked up everything from the inside.

"Ha! Take that SSPNGK! I did it mates! The SSPNGK would be proud." Jimothy punched the air with victory fists.

Suddenly, the air shimmered and a green-skinned old man in a white robe appeared before him. He spoke in a wise voice, "You have done well to follow the rules of the Secret Society for the Protection of Normal Green Kids. We are all proud of you. Here is a brownie. Now—ROCK ON!" An eerie but awesome guitar rift filled the air and the green old man disappeared in a puff of orange smoke that smelled like Cheetohs.

* * *

A/N Do not ask me what I am on. I really have no idea. Must've been too many taco kabob tranquilizers. I have no idea when I'll update next but hopefully it will be soon. I'm not exactly good at this "regular updating" thing. Please review!


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